holiday insanity

After my eventful weekend in Greenville SC enjoying good comapny and alot of football, its time to give some thought about the holidays. More directly, Christmas. Shopping is not my thing. I do lots of it online. What was recently brought to my attention was the Williams Sonoma catalog, which, truthfully, are for the folks who are in the 2% income bracket. But what fun it is to read---and think people might actually purchase these items...

Item #02-741009 Callie's Charleston Biscuits

Williams-Sonoma says: "Flaky, buttery, and made by hand by celebrated caterer Callie White."

Price:$72 (set of 24)

Now, really. 72.00. For biscuits. At Popeye's, the biscuit comes free with your order. At Williams-Sonoma, it costs you the rough equivalent of your phone bill. How good could these biscuits possibly be? There's a threshold past which biscuits cannot improve. Even the best goddamn biscuit in the world isn't $72 better than a Popeye's biscuit. Unless that biscuit can make you teleport.

Item #02-2719136 Chef'n Panini Spatula
19.95


Williams-Sonoma says: "Wide platform with a slot simplifies slicing then lifting even the largest sandwiches."

OMG....my sandwich is sooooo huge!! I can't possibly lift it using only my hands or a common spatula. If only someone out there would invent a unique tool that would allow me to lift my panini and then transfer it to a plate. I'm not just gonna pick it up myself, like a DOG. There's hot gruyere in that sandwich! It could burn.

Item #02-410423 Assumption Abbey Fruitcake
39.95


Williams-Sonoma says: "Baked by trappist monks at a monastery in the Missouri Ozarks. Order early. Supply is limited."

Okay...this all wrong on all kinds of levels.There are trappist monks in the Ozarks? Do they brew artisanal meth? I don't trust fruitcake to begin with. I sure as hell am not trusting fruitcake that comes from a redneck friar. They'll swap out uppers for candied fruit. And yet, supply is limited. Apparently, the market for $40 Ozark fruitcake is ENORMOUS. White women from Bridgehampton ALL THE WAY to Westhampton rely on the monks to deliver their holiday fruitcake every year. In Arkansas no doubt.

Item #02-9691155 Found Grain Sack Stocking
39.95

Williams-Sonoma says: "NEW & EXCLUSIVE. Crafted from 70-year-old Hungarian grain sacks made of burlap and linen. Made in Hungary."

40.00 for a sack??? Oh, wait, its a HUNGARIAN sack.

Where's my Walmart catalog??????