I have spent the last few days gathering up my strength to put this entry out, as i continue to realize my emotions are very close to the surface still. Mom died October 5th, well really the 4th, but declared on the 5th. This morning i went to mail her application for copies of the death certificate and actually came back to work and smiled, despite being close to tears when in front of incompetent service people. I turned into her. Me at the post office, "I need stamps for this envelope-it has to be self addressed and there will be 10 pieces of paper in it." "Post office worker' "I can't tell you that-it needs to be weighed". Me, "Well, i can't really weigh it, can i??? There are no papers in there yet." "How bout you put a slew of stamps on there and call it a day?"
Yeah, they say she is always with you. Those moments make this true. I heard her yelling after Ben Carson said the people of Pompeii should have run away from the lava and they could have saved themselves. I opened a package that contained special scissors to assist you in opening a package, yet you can't open the package to get to the scissors. She purposely left the package closed. I smiled.
The thought of not being able to pick up the phone everyday is overwelmingly sad. I need to tell her how Andrew's job interview went. Or Maddie's experience with 3D printing. Or just to bitch about neighbors who ask the board to do impossible things. Or to simply help me deal with this grief and sadness. She was my go to person for everything. She was my best friend, my confidant, my biggest supporter. It's a bitch to lose your mother.
I try to focus on the happy memories. her quirky habits-she had plastic boxes and pretty hat boxes for everything. We found her box of ornaments for her Queen Elizabeth tree she put up in the dining room every year. And I don't know what we will do at Thanksgiving-no one has the celery salad recipe. Nor will we be able to share her silliness when we played Quelf. I have to find that video of her acting like a whale.
So, this might not be the last of my entries of Mom. But this is all the strength I have for today. I look forward to an afternoon of celebration for her lust of life, her incredible humor, her intelligence, and telling it like it is. Especially on the streets of New York.
I love you Mom.
Keep writing! You have followers! I am still telling "Mom Stories" after 14 years! Grandparent stories, too! We will be reading!
ReplyDeleteTricia
Keep writing! You have followers! I am still telling "Mom Stories" after 14 years! Grandparent stories, too! We will be reading!
ReplyDeleteTricia
Its been 14 years for my mom's absence from this life. I feel her around me everyday. And still tear up when I think of her and howmuch I miss her. The sharpness of the loss dulls over time. My grandmother would say "You get used to hangin' if you hang long enough." I guess you do. Much love to you, Jen!
ReplyDeleteBobbi
My mom has been gone for over 5 and a half years and I still miss her every single day. For the longest time, and even sometimes still, I would go to call her only to realize she is no longer here in physical form. I miss hearing the way she said my name, the great advice she would always dispense, and most of all, her hugs and telling me she loved me when I needed it most. I also miss the little things that only a daughter/child recognizes and understands. Today is actually my mom's birthday and I as I sit here typing this, I am once again in tears. Still grieving and missing her. Be gentle on yourself. It takes a long time, sometimes the remainder of your life to grieve for a the loss of a mother. Time will help heal and make it easier. Love to you xoxo
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